my submerged dialogues

2010-01-01T13:12:00.002+08:00

so i spent today looking at the blank walls and just let my thoughts run dry. something long dormant came alive. i had it niggling at the back of my mind. i knew this would just appear but i never knew it would leave me high and dry. and it started twisting in my gut and a hole in my heart started opening, expanding.

i would never want to hurt you, best friend. i am sorry.

2009-11-15T19:49:00.007+08:00

by some stroke of luck

let me phrase it proper. i don't quite know where this is going and how deep this will be but all i want is just to be one of those happy shiny people and all i have been feeling and getting is joy!

one. "your words are inked on my skin
the marks of incredible love"
two. "some things are meant to be
so won't you please take my hand, and take my whole life too"
three. "cause I love the way you say good morning.
and you take me the way I am."
four. "you've been there all along
holding my hand like you do"
five. "you turn me upside down and around and around and around"
all i hope is, six "they will light our way tonight
'cause "i'll see you in my dreams"

2009-10-25T18:18:00.002+08:00

it's been a pretty long haul. so, seeing as i had nothing better to do, i think i am going to write about what's good in my life. it's a pretty grim world when all you ever wanted to do was to hide the bad ugly part of your everyday. my confidence hit a new low when i realised that troubles at work have been clouding up my mind. that was one of the many drawbacks.

but it has been incredibly peaceful with the presence. it has been a great gift and i think this is different. i wanted to hold back but i think this promise happy shiny and better days. see how much i think there are. for whatever it is worth, i feel grateful now, sitting here as i'm typing out, and i will feel it tomorrow morning. i will feel it the next time we meet we talk and the time after that. you can turn an ugly day into a thing of beauty.thank you.

2009-09-06T20:57:00.001+08:00

affection is desirable but money is absolutely indispensable.

now i have second thoughts.

2009-08-25T21:08:00.004+08:00

wow what have i been doing. i think, my words, they run out of fuel. this wretched rain.and i have been getting monosyllabic, vapid and cofused answers. i am still hopeful. stake my claims and i'm thinking i'm feeling this a warm-up, just the shadow of the same ordeal.

i am babbling. i think i just witnessed confidence dissipated in uncertainty and hopes are wronged. words, they just tumble out manically and compulsively. again.

2009-06-08T21:21:00.000+08:00

twas a bloody monday i wept blood all the way. so i wish i could stand beneath a medicine tree

2009-05-24T19:02:00.005+08:00

today i got myself into a clapping frenzy after reading about Dr Seuss.

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, And that enables you to laugh at life's realities. -Dr Seuss

2009-05-19T21:22:00.003+08:00

not your everyday circumstance

i could have sworn i grew by degrees cold so i had my script folded up in my anorak pocket.

2009-05-17T11:00:00.005+08:00

On days like these when it's of blue sky and halcyon sunshine, you feel that something's amiss. you remembered you had this comfort in you but it faded. i could become asphyxiated. and just when you thought of taking up to the skies to leave the rotten parts behind, you received a phone call.

it happened to me about few minutes ago. and i think i miss fatin. her laughter. our jokes. my elation. i ponder. i ponder the imperfect nature of man and how these facts in life remind me of the brittleness of life. without doubt, these would pass overhead but the motives would linger on like a cable car hanging above.

at times like these, it's comforting to feel the immense relief that certain people gave you. where'd you go, simple thing?

2009-04-28T21:40:00.005+08:00

now i crave for a skyscraper of a custard-filled layer cake. this happens often, like a defence mechanism.

now i wonder how tahirah is doing. sometimes the people whom you crossed paths with much later in life surprise you so pleasantly that you wish you've met earlier. almost lovers. you never know when you really step onto borrowed time.

2009-04-26T17:13:00.005+08:00

undisguised

this morning I woke up to realise that it's a sunday and almost gave a puff of outrage. tomorrow's monday and i'm dreading work. besides the psychic upheaval caused by this current change in my life, i find myself strictly solo these days. hang on, i thought, i can't go on like this. for once this is not going to be an empty phrase.

and i'm starting to feel calm and anger-free. it's not that hard. the one consolation about being in this exhausting situation is that the people at home have been pampering me more than any nineteen year old should get.

the weather's been very temperamental. there hasn't been cold wind that would try to chew our noses off but there were nights when the wind got wild and for once i thought it would blew out the window the way it rattled.

let's see what this following week has for me because i have a strong feeling it would land on my head like a bag of cluster bombs. god, please let me buckle in with pure pleasure.

2009-04-20T21:42:00.000+08:00

i like how you suffered for your sanity.

2009-04-01T20:17:00.006+08:00

it hadn't left me much

my toddlers. they. are. a. handful. lot. i know it's not right to say this but i can't help it! third day of work and i feel like a total wreck. i know. what a schmuck right. i'm all trussed up round the ankles and feel that my toes are forced up. like my whole brain had struggled to swallow these whole situation. either i was very high up or the clouds were unnaturally low.

now it got me thinking would it be better to be a rock star. For a beat, i thought i should really weave and sprint for the box but damn right this takes some getting used to. i hope i wouldn't have to run to the toilet, let loose a sob and cook up a plausible excuse to hold my skull together tomorrow.

oh yeah speaking of rock stars, kaiser chiefs in a matter of days. sad.

2009-03-24T20:09:00.000+08:00

whoopeedoo for seremban trip!

2009-03-21T17:41:00.004+08:00

ho hum. beacon of hope.

i think i need to refrain from trimming my hair so i can have a hair as long as this
wow that'll probably take me years alright i shall hunt for more pictures of ladies with super hair and paste them on the walls of my bedroom

2009-03-21T10:21:00.006+08:00

Block and Jab

let's hope that work wouldn't be a full blown tragedy again. i found myself drawing ever closer to the revelation of what's in store and what i most likely couldn't handle being a teacher. frighteningly so, in fact. what i didn't realise at that point when i made this decision was that i also have the problem of communicating with parents. that's the problem i've always had. i do not realise it until a tad too late. With no time to rethink, i could see myself harbour doubts in the days ahead. i really do have a lot to learn. Acclimatise myself to the lifestyle.

now that school results are good, it is becoming increasing clear to me that the rules have changed. everyone's gotta do this. there's no more staggering down the footpath and lurking in the shadows but grow the courage and be those happy shiny people. guess i could do better than just steel myself. maybe i should dance and weave and just, just be a MAN about things. ha ha.

2009-03-12T00:01:00.001+08:00

saya rasa bosan sangat sangat jadi saya mahu makan froot loops ah

2009-03-09T11:42:00.013+08:00

I scream blue murder

These days. The last thing i want is to retire to bed because it wasn't as though i was going to be able to get much sleep in any case. So i would find myself lying awake in the darkness, gazing ceiling-wards to where the fan was making whirring sounds and only fell into a deep slumber at 3 or 4 in the morning.

While it was difficult to sleep tight, my mind was crowded with thousands of questions and worked like a computer disc. Then i felt myself sag under the weight of the night's silence and the gravity of my mind's insistence. Tonight i will pray that i could sleep tight now that i've known the loneliness is sadder than i thought.

On the flipside, i have pictures! sentosaaa. These girls. i've quickly grown closer to them.The times we spent, i felt like i was in the presence of some kind of magic. They say a little bit of optimism goes a long way. nana and miera have this talent for photography! Airplanes of thank yous to them both and i see photographers in the making.

2009-03-02T15:38:00.000+08:00

what's opposite of love

2009-02-25T21:41:00.004+08:00

by now, i seem relaxed and up for a laugh, whack in Friday's trip to Sentosa. this was monday. imagine nanasyi's surprised reaction.

2009-02-21T22:52:00.007+08:00

I thought directors are always a crackpot, mixing ingredients of human nature like a mad scientist.

So i was waiting for walk the line at 1145 later but i chanced upon snow cake on okto. twas very interesting how it reminded me about the characteristics of people with autism. and i very much admire at how apt they could be in their description of things.

Linda: Have you ever had an orgasm, Alex?
Alex: It has been known.
Linda: It sounds like an inferior version of what I feel when I have a mouthful of snow.

2009-02-17T11:06:00.004+08:00

Upside-down flower pot

One giant explosion, complicated interior of the brain. Your mind cuts in before you can actually say anything. This is like playing cards, frustrating games. Then you find yourself doing sharp intakes of bubbly-sounding breaths. See, your happiness could be such an inconvenience headache for some. You thought for once you should've hit the skylight but all you really want is some luck.

Now these all felt like you were gang-banged in the skull and chest and when you came round you're all burnt-out and underaspired.

I was lost and found myself swimming in your mouth.

2009-02-16T23:13:00.004+08:00

Garrot Geck for Carrot Cake?

I was in stitches after got carried away in threads of thoughts by spells of fiction.
You know why?

"What did you have for dinner last night, Sylvie?"
"I made some crap."
"You mean crepes? Pancakes."
"Yes, pan-cack."
The hardest thing was to keep a straight face.
.......
"If you do not pay our invoice, sir, we will contact our lawg."
"Your log?"
"Yes, our lawg."
"Your lump of wood?"
"Oh? OK, we will contact our lumpawoo." (in an attempt to say lumpofwood)
"No, you mean lawyer."
"Sorry?"
"Look - I'll write it. L-A-W-Y-E-R."
"Yes, lawg."
"OK, you go ahead and contact your log."
-Stephen Clarke, a conversation between a Brit English Teacher and French students.

I wanted so much to roll on the floor and laugh but I didn't want the other passengers and the bus captain to think that I was some mental case. I have to agree Brits do have a sense of humour, a good deal of it at that. Like how Denise would put it: today's the start of the week and what could be better than a good laugh.

2009-02-10T22:27:00.002+08:00

and you know i'm fine
but i hear those voices at night
sometimes they justify my claim

2009-02-10T11:52:00.008+08:00

Indisputably Happiest Girl

By now I reckon I had probably spend this week lazing around until yesterday. I wrestled with time when Fatin phoned and I turned to the colour of a boiled-chicken when realised I was very late for our lunch date.

It was Buona Vista and I could do nothing but agonise over how careless I was. My head ached and my shoulders felt like they were glued to my ears. This usually happens when I smell trouble. Of course, everything'd always work out in the end. I came in time to see Fatin and we were off and running and made sure every minute with Amal is savoured.

So I woke up and am immensely pleased at how yesterday turned out to be although the better part of today was spent dreading tuition later and now I'm exhausted from sheer anxiety. But I have to say this, I love Fatin and Amal!

2009-02-09T08:27:00.009+08:00

Signs and rules

I am ready to put a full day on foot. Although the morning is mild, I watch the downshifting of light and bask in the reflected light from the corner of the bedroom. This seems even truer of the cavernous dream-like vacation but I only hope that I would not wake up groggily.

That is one way of putting it. Much as how I feel tremendous relief at the new turn of events, there are unpredictable moments where I see a blank wall or a roadblock.

I would prefer if I have had these written on flowered notepaper but here goes.

Dear lovely companions,

I recalled I said this: I will make the world acknowledge my friends a charmer. Now I would name all of you, who includes everyone I know of even if it's a hi and bye affair, my continual solace. We grew and we are fine adults now. Ok I don't like the word adults but face it, I'm turning twenty. Often, we find our lives change with time but a person could get used to it. I had been so lucky. We have to admit there were times when we lost our nerves and stood on slanting floors. We work on the assurance and cast light on them. Then we set out again, by trains or some of us by boats but however we traveled, we all know we would turn up at the other end but by different roads.

I surrender to the beauty, the humour, the light-heartedness and the sweetness of our friendships. I had the time of my lives. You, my companions, remind me of something I once knew but couldn't remember during setbacks. You amused me and reassured me of how I used to carve and not paste a smile on my face.

Although secretly of course I believe we have to slip away at times like this but promise you do not vanish forever and leave clues about the destination and the route you might go.

2009-02-05T22:56:00.003+08:00

Age and all that

This shouldn't have started all over again. You have floated past but now you made it seem like it's inevitable.

You don't come back when you leave. There's no denying that a part of me desires to simper admiringly at this bit of real emotion cliche. Only, I had to bolster my defences and keep a mental note to tear my eyes away from your name, words and songs but my thoughts ran on and kept me awake for the rest of the night. I felt the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and at that instant I wanted so much to crouch in my hiding place. That was when I saw your face and you look pained than ever before.

This, in the light of conveying irony. I don't have many possessions but I hope everything would be just as I'd left it.

2009-02-02T21:54:00.008+08:00

Alright, I can't hold my excitement now that I am edging closer to the end of school in Ngee Ann.

Ironically, my mood was a little sombre but I managed to heave myself out of bed this morning. It might have been a whole of thirty minutes since my thoughts juggled with the pleasures and perils of this change.There's always this familiar unspoken sentence hung between the reflection on the mirror and myself: why fear of witnessing this creeping confidence dissipated in uncertainty?

At times my words tumbled out manically, compulsively. Often, I am sure the first few words spat out hurriedly without much breath or premeditation. That doesn't make any sense, does it?

They say or I say that these are all of life in its noisy tumble.

2009-01-29T08:21:00.000+08:00

i like the aftertaste

2009-01-06T17:30:00.004+08:00

During these years of transformation so as to make a mark in life, I found myself in the deep recesses of interwoven cord of the past. There are of course times when I spoke of with exclamations. So 2009. I beg, don't scathe me yet with thoughts that are spoiling this ever-increasing peace of mind.

2009-01-04T13:49:00.004+08:00

Jumping into Puddles

You know how I used to blog about the times I was confronted with the uncanny lack of meaning in my life. I think my patience has since exhausted of wallowing in self pity and finding myself falling into everyday concerns.

This year, I want to get carried away in threads of fine thoughts that bring me smiles and pull the new into my world every now and then. I hope to salvage scraps of isolation and silence in life and constantly praying hard and sending up a plea into the crackling air. More importantly, I want to stand up high on a pedestal.

And the prime example of it all was what I've learnt today and that is music transcends all languages. It's a new beginning.

2009-01-01T18:11:00.002+08:00

Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

Merry new year! I'm feeling very optimistic and I think I started this blog on the third day of 2008. Maybe 2009's just going to be another magical tour.

2008-12-25T23:44:00.002+08:00

Oh tomorrow. I am anticipating for THAT moment but these days, there are so much to wait and be excited for.

I hope Saturday and Sunday would leave a kindred impression on us. Such enduring delights they will have that I'd most probably imagine that I have been teleported to another world like how books often make me.

2008-12-18T22:21:00.002+08:00

I'm starting work soon, in a few months time. I am quite excited actually. So how do I go about doing this?

2008-12-07T19:44:00.002+08:00

a case of paranoid android.
i'm reading and typing out the SOP for fractures.
what if i have osteoporosis!
what if i fell and my rib is fractured!

Stupiiidd

2008-12-06T13:43:00.004+08:00

i want to watch nick & norah's infinite playlist

copeland.copeland.copeland

reminds me of forever seventeen and one more moment,
not again

and if only i could have someone sing me the fratellis babydoll, on repeat, on repeat

2008-12-01T22:41:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I hear a few isolated shouts and laughs and the distant thud of music from the nooks and corners of my heart. Often, there were relative silence to help me piece together fragments of doubt.

2008-05-04T18:29:00.000+08:00

here comes the sun, seriously

2008-05-01T09:12:00.004+08:00

Recessed into the walls

I decided to finish Murakami's Dance, Dance, Dance in my room until the sun came up but my instincts weren't sharp at night, maybe only that night. I had spent too much time during the day juggling with words and giving my brain a good rummage to complete 2 summaries. When I read them back, they seem so rundown and the words are an absolute mismatch. That's always the result of procrastinating and reminded me of how I had been dawdling to that day. I make whoppers.

Last Saturday was Pave's birthday and we had a ball of time. I still couldn't grasp the idea of being 19 in October. I remembered that a minute ago, I had been too woozy to stand on myself and always had that extra arms to shield me and had it near my chest. I find it much easier to breathe. I wanted to feel myself smiling from the inside out during this phase of coming out from a shell and taking a peek at the rotating life and Earth.

2008-04-30T23:26:00.001+08:00

forever seventeen
and one more moment

2008-04-07T22:25:00.000+08:00

all in a year's emotion came crashing in one day

2008-03-17T15:47:00.011+08:00

My lucky day

The back of my head is throbbing.
I Heart Huckabees made my head spin in an endless turmoil.
I'm A Cyborg But That's OK was deep and for a moment I thought I was indulged in a schizophrenic mind.

I thought directors are always a crackpot, mixing ingredients of human nature like a mad scientist.

The Hours is the near perfect show that I would not mind watching again because the first time I watched it, I was plunged into a sense of trying to keep things in life and myself vital.

2008-03-14T09:50:00.007+08:00

ecstasy

My heart did somersaults and jigged to the beat this morning.

2008-03-12T23:36:00.004+08:00

For good god's sake, I've never felt this lonely. Seriously.

Yes this time round, I am not going to tuck away my emotions and be less emo-shit on my entries. And yes, these entries are definitely advocating the 'define-feelings-that-tug-at-my-heart-strings' part.

I've just finished my read on The Beatles. It was sad.

It was a few months back, during this week I remembered, that something mental and psychical happened. It faded into white lights.

Sticks and stones will break my bones but not words. I'll stay and stick it out here.

2008-03-11T15:35:00.004+08:00

Friday = dooms day!
All hell would be let loose

2008-02-28T14:14:00.010+08:00

On the subtlest and the bluntest level.

Had my life entirely been like this, one long dreadful inquiry into whether things were going the way I wanted? Have I taken the possibly foolish step when I bare you my heart god-damned three years ago? I am telling you I had been hopeful.

I could not figure out where I stood. Was that some kind of a game you thought funny and that I would be dead chaff you play? The lightness of your conversations made me seem somehow vulnerable. There was a silence before sleep washed over me last night during which it occurs to me that I might have the unpleasant power to ruin this affair that had been going on in my head. I don't want to be hidden away in a life studded with you, your name and your presence that was supposedly to be mine. I am not hating you, friend. My petulance seems childish.

I felt harassed by the fact that you used me or my name to get your love across in an underlying means. I refuse to ride along and this is more likely a point beyond I feel an unquestioning uncertainty between us. I am more intrigued than insulted.

I am going through a sticky patch with myself, perhaps. What's gone wrong repels you.

2008-02-23T01:33:00.003+08:00

It's harder to keep it to myself. I wish time would be on my side. This is so cliche' I should stop it now.

2008-02-14T00:45:00.008+08:00

the other advantage of writing everything down

you thought you were in it
the truth slapped you hard on your face
leaving three red lines on your cheek
and leaving you wounded at night
it stings your heart
you cried, such a flood of tears and sobs
you shivered in your shoes from insecurity
there are too many
it became confusing
i am not going to be able to clean this up

2008-02-12T19:58:00.009+08:00

Life's rich tapestry

I find myself keen to take to the skies and leave the past perplexing weeks behind last night when Fatin appears, puts on a smile on my face and made me breathe in the good air that has always been hovering around but was disguised in an unpleasant kind of existence.

She might just have the sixth sense because this is the third time I hear her voice or find her writing me a text message when the day is knackering and the weather is taxing.

Her presence is like icing on the cake.

2008-02-01T22:14:00.002+08:00

I was figuring it all out. My conviction would confirm what I had long suspected-that I was just not cut out for the last bit of the truth.

I am not being flippant, aren't I? I thought it was too much. I was a little melancholic but not completely without some justification. I won't talk about it. I thought I don't have to and, unless it persists.

One thing for sure now is that I could feel indignation oozing from the pores of my skin. You were so blunt that it was like you were whispering furiously to my ears.

2008-01-13T09:18:00.004+08:00

You have to keep your wits about you.

I am glad of a fresh start, now that it's the thirteenth day of 2008. My spirits are hushed and grateful. I want and choose to believe the uniqueness of my fate like how people do right after they realise their mistake and make a change in a swift decision.

I'd say that I am crossing my fingers to be hopeful and wishful this year. I thought I would make a small favour for myself which I could achieve by my own scale. I want to be the last person to air wrongs or ask for sympathy and that my presence to be a genial one. I will tell you a strange thing. I haven't had an exactly settled days during the last few weeks of 2007. I felt the intensifying pressures of obligations. So it dawned on me this morning that I have some fixing up to do, actually plenty. I will need to catch up a lot on reading. Since school has greeted me with a big toothy smile, I sure have exciting events awaiting for me.

I am a girl who wishes to find that careful balance in life and just when I thought I'd find it finally, gravity or stasis tows me in an unexpected direction. A whole new direction, I'd say. This is a new and brisk sense of expansion and responsibility.